and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
