if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
