Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
