I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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