dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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