My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
