Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
