i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
