I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
