So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
