Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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