Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
