I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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