I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He shit in the fireplace
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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