do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Come back. Shots need mouths.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
