He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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