sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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