Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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