Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
