My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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