Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
