Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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