I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
she told me i tasted like america
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
