I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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