Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My liver just had a heart attack.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
