Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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