I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
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