He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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