totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
