You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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