I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
