Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
