Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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