i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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