Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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