He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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