im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
