Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
