had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
