so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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