I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
