I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
