All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
