We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
