I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
