and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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