tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
