I think my vagina is haunted
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
