All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I would fuck him just for his dog
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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