I just threw up on my dentist
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
