Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
