trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
